what would we do without instructions?

not the right foot

something is against my right foot. getting out of the subway...on the platform a kid stepped on the back of my flip flops, and i stepped out of my shoe. nothing like walking barefoot on the sticky summer pee platform. i walk up the stairs and make it out of the turnstile only to have another person step on the back of my flip flops pulling my toes. i quickly turn, pissed off, and the girl touches my shoulder and says "i'm so sorry!" my anger deflates somewhat. i keep walking walking. the odds. yeah, the odds. turning down grand street i make it half way and this teenage girl is walking her little white dog, a lhasa apso or something. the thing is peeing and then suddenly charges for my right foot. it bites my foot, then grabs my pant leg and starts thrashing its head back and forth. the bite didn't break the skin and my pants survived, but WTF?? and yes, it's the same foot that i smashed up the other week.

upstate

scars...

there was a girl in front of me exiting the subway tonight that had an enormous scar on her left shoulder blade. it was like an oversized earthworm. i so badly wanted to touch it, ask her where it came from. it kind of looked like a burn. it kind of looked like an alien life form that would stir at any moment. but i resisted and pushed the earbuds of my ipod further into my eardrums. these beats are gonna make me deaf one of these days.

smoking bad grafitti at capones

cracked toes

ok. i wasn't even that drunk. a few dark beers. whatever. the door was really large and metal. i dunno. i opened it and somehow my foot got in the way. damn me for wearing sandals, but what's a girl to do. it's summer and i got a fancy pedicure. the pain. oh the pain!! skin peeled back on my 4th toe. i can ride this out, sure. well, no. john walks to the bar, i start feeling dizzy. hot and nauseous. crap, not again. i walk up the stairs to look for a place to sit but the bar is packed. i come down the stairs...and then, fuck. a crowd of dudes around me, i'm sitting on the floor missing a sandal. passed out. guys in my face. probably thinking i took too many pills or something. no, i'm just buzzed and my toe may be broken. "go outside," a manager type says. "can you get me a water?" i ask him and then walk back outside and make my way to the benches. water arrives and i explain myself and he disappears. i wait for john to reappear...at first it just looks like i scraped my toe, but it hurts like hell. today i can see it's something more because the whole toe and surrounding area are black and blue. i took a photo, but it's just to gross to exhibit. sneakers, ladies, sneakers...

sporty bathroom spice

evening sky looks like morning

even the hamptons get scary at night...

words to live by...perhaps

my friend paul sent me this quote today. it's from saul bellow's book mr. sammler's planet :

"Perhaps the best is to have some order within oneself. Better than what many call love. Perhaps it is love."

we all can ride the subway...

sigh

carved eyebrows // a familiar trace
fingers fumble // we don’t speak
i’ve forgotten why i walked all this way

breeze

i’m not paying attention
time is passing
learning a lesson
out of my mind
my skin it thickens
i’m asking no longer
this space doesn’t lie
i wish that it did.